I'm in first year and i’ve never said this out loud. not to anyone. not even as a joke.
back home my parents were strict as hell. timings rules marks behaviour everything. my life felt like controllef. i hated it. i thought they were suffocating me. every single day i imagined freedom like it was some prize waiting at the end.
so i studied like crazy. no shortcuts. no breaks. cracked jee. got cse. everyone said i made it. i thought ok now i deserve to live my life.
college felt unreal at first. nobody checking where i’m going. nobody asking why i’m late. nobody watching. it felt light. like finally unclenching after years. like breathing without counting.
then a friend passed me a joint and said chill it helps. said it’s normal. said it’s not a big deal. first time my brain went quiet. like someone turned the volume down. no pressure. no expectations. just silence.
that silence felt addictive.
i don’t know when once in a while turned into everyday. i don’t remember deciding anything. now i wake up and it’s the first thing on my mind. i keep saying kal se band. kal never shows up.
classes get skipped. days blur. i lie to myself better than anyone. i call home and lie there too. mom asks if i’m eating properly. i say haan. asks if i’m studying. i say haan. she sounds relieved. proud even. that part hurts like shit.
i used to be good at studies. teachers trusted me. now opening my laptop makes my chest tight. guilt everywhere. i don’t care about grades anymore. placements sound fake. competition sounds exhausting. i just want quiet. real quiet. i want to go home and sit next to my mother and eat food without needing something to calm my head.
i used to think my parents were the problem. now i see they were the fence. annoying but protective. here nobody stops me. nobody notices when i’m slowly messing myself up.
i’m not useless. i’m not lazy. i’m just drained. tired of acting normal. tired of pretending i’ve got control. tired of needing something just to feel okay.
i want to quit. i swear i do. but i’m scared. scared of withdrawal. scared of sitting alone with my thoughts. scared of becoming a disappointment after everyone believed in me.
i don’t know how to ask for help. i just know i don’t want to keep living like this

HBTU Kanpur

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